I wrote this a couple of years ago, in 2012, when I had every intention of blogging regularly but, as I explained in my last piece, life got in the way. However, these words remain as relevant to me now as they did then.
I have spent a long time thinking about whether or not to attend the Saying Goodbye Service at St Paul’s Cathedral on 24th November. It has been organised by Zoe and Andy Clarke-Coates, a couple who have lost 6 babies and decided to organises services to enable other people to remember and grieve for their own lost children. It is a wonderful idea. I had early miscarriages, few people knew that I was pregnant, there were no funerals and I didn’t feel like I had an outlet for my grief. But every time I think about attending the service I cry and really don’t want to be an uncontrollable mess in church.
Dan (my husband at the time) doesn’t want to come with me as he chooses to grieve for our children in a different way which, of course, is fine. Well, its not really fine, we are both needy in different ways and how do you as a couple prioritise who gives more support to who when you are both in so much agony? Time has helped immensely and the resentment I felt towards Dan has gone and changed to a feeling of loneliness and disappointment instead. He is a very practical person and threw himself into work after each miscarriage while I felt like I was standing in the middle of a vortex watching everything (life) rush by. I could not understand how my unquantifiable grief had not caused a irrevocable rip in the fabric of the universe. But the sun rose and the sun set as usual.
And now it is time. I will dress up in my finery, as my babies deserve no less, and I will put one foot in front of the other until I get to St Paul’s and I will cry and I will remember and after the service my wonderful companion Chris will take me somewhere extremely glamorous for cocktails and we will toast to those who can’t be with us. And when I get up the next morning the sun will rise again and I will cuddle baby Lulu and tell her how much I love her.
Further details about Saying Goodbye and their service can be found at www.sayinggoodbye.org or Twitter @SayinggoodbyeUK
I have since attended another service in London and I brought my daughter Lulu with me. It was beautiful and I cried and then Lulu and I went home together hand in hand.