So, for the last few weeks I have been feeling worse than ever. I realise it seems like I have been sick for ages, and I have, but after a few months of tests it was decided I had Sarcoidosis and after four months off work I started relevant meds and went back to work. The first couple of weeks were fine, I felt energised after making sure I has enough rest, good food, supplements, meditation and lots of water. Then, it all started to go down hill, I was really worried that the sarcoid was starting to get worse again so off to the doctor I went, she arranged an emergency appointment with my Rheumatologist, a few tests later and she talked through my symptoms, chronic pain, extreme fatigue, swollen joints, weight gain and she told me I had Fibromyalgia. I had already started crying at this point, I rarely cry, but the despair was starting to engulf me, I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired and here was another bloody illness to manage. The list so far in order of diagnosis starting from when I was 20;

Osteporosis

Coeliacs Disease

Bursitits

Autoimmune Hepatitis

Hypothyroidism

Sjogrens Syndrome

Sarcoidosis

Fibromyalgia

The last four have arrived over the last five months. I am usually so in control of my illnesses, a responsible patient, participatory in my treatment, a really honest and open dialogue with my doctors, I know my illnesses inside and out and they don’t frighten me. I listen to my body and take all in my stride, I’ve never been the type for hysteria.

The Sarcoidosis diagnosis was a relief as we had been considering cancer, Sjogrens is liveable with, dry eyes,mouth etc, the Hypothyroidism is a little more complicated but I am monitored and all is in is order but the Fibromyalgia – I’m not so keen.

The majority of my illnesses are chronic, and those ones are in remission, apart from the Fibromyalgia and from what I can lean it is a difficult one to manage. There are no medications or cures, I have been referred to the Pain Clinic to discuss subtitle medication to enable me to function, but as is always the case nothing is that straightforward. I am allergic to some of the main types of pain meds, the one that don’t really interfere with everyday life, so they are off the menu. Now I shall have to wait and see what they can suggest. I have been signed off work for two more weeks as some of my meds have been adjusted to compensate for the Fibromyalgia and the pain and exhaustion is overwhelming.

I cannot imagine living like this for the rest of my life and I am panicking like mad, I’m not used to feeling so out of control, usually I just knuckle down, learn all I can about my illness, my body lets me know what I need to and I get on with it. This time its not that simple, nothing I do makes me feel better or more able to cope, I can’t sleep as my mind is swirling, being inside doesn’t help, being outside doesn’t help, reading about it doesn’t help, being with people doesn’t help, being alone doest help, reading, radio, tv doesn’t help,the meds don’t help, and I am worried about the future. What if I become too sick to work, I am a single parent, how can I pay the mortgage? I’m meant to start my Phd in September having deferred it from the beginning of the year due to the Sarcoidosis, what If I’m too sick to start it? My daughter is five, I don’t want her to think of me as ‘sick’ or having the mummy that always needs a ‘rest’. My mum was a single parent and she was sick a lot when I was little and I remember how frightening that was for me. I am becoming depressed, I know that, I can feel it, but I cant seem how to crawl out of the deep well I am falling down, time is running out, I can’t afford to spend what little energy I have trying.

Is this it? The pain may be manageable but the exhaustion? It is crippling and completely uncontrollble. On social media those suffering with chronic illness use #spoonie to identify relevant tweets, this is based onthis article written by Christine Miserandino,  I highly recommend you read it, it is the best explanation I have ever come across (and it uses spoons to explain everything – brilliant).